We can't control what happens, but we can choose how we respond. Response-ability (for our state and actions, as well as for what is happening in the world) is something we cultivate through understanding and awareness.
We shouldn't expect ourselves to respond well if we don't realize we are in an activated or shut-down state. But it is our responsibility, as intelligent human beings, to learn to recognize those states, and to learn how to shift to a more calm, regulated, and grounded state so that we can make better choices about what we say and do.
Emotions and the stress response can be both subtle (as in we hear a siren and some part of us worries about a loved one or the pot percolating unwatched on the stove) and extreme (as in traumatic events). If we don't learn to recognize and how to respond to activated or relaxed nervous system states, how can we know what we and the world around us need? It is crucial for our success that we know both how to calm ourselves down and release stress in healthy ways, as well as how to wake ourselves up, motivate and focus on action and tasks.
Chronic stress is the leading correlative for disease today. We must understand what stress is, how it works, and how to help our bodies and minds move the energy of stress. We can't control most of the stressors in our lives, but we can respond to the stress we experience. We can learn how to let it move all the way through so it doesn't pile up and lead to disease, pain, and dysfunction in our bodies, minds, relationships, and world.
What is Stress?
Notice if you have a judgment or reaction to even seeing the word emotion. What does it conjure for you?
Emotions are an involuntary neurological body response to circumstances, relationships, external and internal inputs. It's the word we use to describe the automatic and instantaneous way our body is constantly responding to the world around and within us, including our thoughts. Many argue about the definition, but for this article, I will define it according to the body.
Stress is one type of emotion. I like the definition of emotion as "energy-in-motion"—the way inputs (both external and internal) affect us. We then usually map all sorts of thoughts and beliefs on emotions, which for me is when I'd call them "a feeling". For the sake of this article, when I say emotion, I mean the real, physical body response.
It can help to think of emotions as tunnels or a garden hose. If you go all the way through them, you get to the light at the end. Exhaustion, burnout, overwhelm, outbursts, and many chronic pain/tension patterns emerge when we get stuck in the middle too often or for too long. We may get stuck simply because we’re constantly being exposed to situations that activate stress/emotions and there becomes a backlog. Or growing up, perhaps we learned that feeling or expressing emotions was not safe.
If we can unkink our emotional garden hoses to flow more freely, we get:
- More energy (It takes a lot of effort to hold things in and manage the flow of emotions when they are backed up and pressurized.)
- More emotional intelligence and clarity (Being in a stresed/activated state, backlogged with stresses makes us tired, muddy, and easily overwhelmed.)
- More resilience to stress and capacity to be with what is (If your bucket isn't at the brink of overflowing, you have more bandwidth to take in, work with and process new stress, rather than be a spoonful away from being pushed over the edge and totally overwhelmed. Instead you grow the capacity to feel stress, and feel your okayness.)
Stressors vs. Stress
Stressors are things that activate our stress response. Many stressors are external, coming from outside of ourselves, and are not necessarily "negative"—this can be anything from a job, driving, kids, finances, caffeine, watching an exciting movie, listening to the news, going to a dance party, rushing through errands, etc.
Other stressors are internal, such as self-criticism, perfectionism, coping strategies and beliefs leftover from trauma history—people pleasing, hypervigilance, etc.
Stress is the response in your body when the "on"/activated sympathetic nervous system state get activated, evolved to help us survive things like being chased by a tiger. It's a chemical stew that helps boost your ability to think and move fast—your heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension increases, and processes like digestion slow down.
A lot of us are taught that if we fix the stressor—problem that caused the stress or emotion—then we will have dealt with the stress/emotion itself.
But that's not how it works.
For example: You're out for dinner with a big group of friends before a concert. Dinner took a long time and you're in a time crunch to make it to the show on time. The bill comes and everyone is trying to figure out how much they owe and you're the one trying to count the cash, tell people how much and who to venmo, and to make sure you're leaving enough tip. When you walk out of the restaurant, do you instantly feel peaceful and relaxed? No, you likely feel amped, anxious, and fried.
We aren't taught that it's necessary to actively move and release the stress through our bodies. It takes inner awareness and emotional work, which we don't always have the capacity for, whether for reasons external (such as not having enough time, or the stress just keeps piling on) or internal (such as shame, or fear of losing control/getting overwhelmed).
The Main Reasons We Get Stuck in the Stress/Emotion Tunnel instead of Completing Stress Cycles:
1. Chronic stress: We are so activated so much of the time without getting or giving ourselves the space and time to process emotions/complete stress cycles and wind down into parasympathetic states.
2. Social appropriateness: For one, we have a lot of cultural judgments about emotions being weak and disruptive. Additionally, the general context for when, where, and with whom we express and move stress/emotional energy matters—venting at work with colleagues can be very different than venting at home with a partner.
3. Safety: This overlaps with #2 above, but it's not always emotionally or physically safe to express and move stress/emotion, it is vulnerable, and potentially activating to others. It's safer to put your head down and keep walking when someone on the street is yelling at you.
One challenge is that emotions in our culture are largely seen as disruptive, as weakness, inppropriate, etc.
We swallow a lot of emotions throughout the day, saying to ourselves something like, “I must behave/control myself so that I do not interfere with anyone else’s day, and so I am now officially not feeling my feelings.” You might smile and shove it down, where it goes to live in the body, whether in muscular tension or some organ. And then unless you revisit that emotion later and let it move through you, it stays there.
Obviously, in some moments, smiling, being polite, walking away, containing and shoving it all down and hiding it is safer, can help you keep your job, or get through the task you need to complete without unpacking an emotion with your partner, etc. It is a skill to be able to go partway through an emotional tunnel and then bottle it away for later. We just so often forget, or aren't taught, or don't have/make the space and time to reopen the bottle and let the pressure out.
It's important to remember: Removing the stressors does not mean the stress cycle is complete.
AND:
That means two things:
1. You don’t have to wait for all your stressors to go away before you can start to feel better
2. When the stressors do go away, you do have to deal with the stress itself separately.
All emotions have a beginning, a middle and an end. If you stop in the middle, there is an internal holding that keeps it there until you circle back. Here are some ways to help stress move through to the end.
8 Ways to Complete Stress Cycles, Recognize and Release Emotions, and Down-Regulate Your Nervous System:
1. Physical Activity: move your body! Walk, run, pump your arms, dance, squeeze and release your shoulders, shake out your hands, hug and rock yourself, make sounds - this is extra effective if engaging with an emotion or experience with your mind. (see #7)
2. Breathing: Huberman's physiological sigh is one of the quickest, best practices. The key to using breath is to practice a long, slow exhale.
3. Positive Social Interaction: Anything from getting a hug, to telling your barista “Hey, I like your earrings," to being taken into a safe place to shelter.
4. Laughter: It has to be the slightly embarrassing, mouth hanging open, belly jiggling, snorting, uncontrolled, ridiculous laughter that really takes over your body, you can’t stop laughing. Laughing so hard you cry. One of the great gifts of the internet is an abundance of hilarious material, find what gets you going (farting dogs, sisters jump-scaring their brothers, contagious laughter...)
5. Nurturing physical touch: Bodywork and massage! Cuddling, 20-second hugs (hugging until relaxed), placing your own hands on your heart and rubbing in small circles.
6. A Big 'Ole Cry: Usually just takes a few minutes! People are afraid that if they let themselves cry it will last forever. But if you don’t continue feeding it thoughts about the cause of the stress. I often imagine taking my inner child into my arms and letting her have a moment to fall apart.
7. Creative Expression w/ Imagination. You don’t necessarily have to take your feelings and put them into a thing that you make or do, you can also just think/imagine your way through a story. For example: Get on the elliptical machine and imagine yourself as Godzilla tromping _____ (Washington DC? Your boss's house and gardens? Fill in your blank). You might find you get to the end of a workout and feel elated, powerful, and ready for anything - not because you did anything differently with your body, but because your mind got to complete the cycle of your feelings.
8. Knowing your emotional parts: Journaling or speaking out loud about the ways you feel each of the core 8 emotions: fear, sadness, anger, disgust, surprise, anticipation, acceptance, and joy. "I am afraid...", "I am angry...", etc. If some other emotion comes up, give it a seat at the table too! This flow helps you unearth the emotions and thoughts that are running under the surface. Move and use your body as you go through this. Give yourself space to cry, yell, squirm, stretch, groan, growl, squeeze, shake, shimmy, walk, pace, jump... whatever feels right.
Am I doing it right?
The best thing you can do is give yourself a break, be gentle, have some compassion. If accessing emotions is challenging for you, or brings up scary or overwhelming memories and/or feelings, reach out to a professional for support. A little psychotherapy and coaching can do wonders!
Don’t worry if you’re not sure you can recognize when you’ve completed the cycle, especially if you’ve spent a lot of years, maybe your whole life, worrying or stuffing down certain feelings. You might have a whole lot of accumulated stress response cycles spinning their engines, waiting for their turn. So it can take a while before you get through the backlog.
DO pause to recognize that you feel incrementally better than you felt before you started. You can notice that something in your body has changed, shifted in the direction of peace or relieft. If you were an 8 on the stress scale when you started and now you're a 4, look at yourself and say, ‘Good job, me!’”
You can trust that you'll feel a little better each time, and that eventually, you will be able to feel that the mountain under the rug is no longer there. Your bucket will have more space.
*Credit!* This information in this article largely comes from a Brene Brown podcast interviewing sisters Emily and Amelia Nagoski about burnout and how to complete the stress cycle. You can listen to the podcast here.